Love and Information Read online

  like names

  like names like faces

  we all

  yes but

  not worth worrying

  but I want to learn

  ah

  huge amount of memorising

  of course

  vocabulary

  yes

  statistics

  statistics

  every imaginable

  I see your point

  stacks of information which I have to

  somehow

  somehow acquire and retain.

  So how do you intend

  this course this memory

  to improve your

  lists lists as exercises

  like getting the muscles

  muscles of the brain

  which of course I know it doesn’t have muscles

  and more than that a technique

  for remembering

  ancient ancient technique Romans

  didn’t know they

  and all sorts Renaissance

  they had a lot of brains then in the

  Leonardo da Vinci

  so did he?

  I don’t know that he actually did

  not this technique

  not necessarily this actual technique

  though he might have done

  it’s beside the point, the point

  the actual technique

  the actual technique is you take a place like you could take a house

  take a house?

  in your mind this is a mental take a house you know in your mind

  like my aunt’s got a house

  there you are take this house in your mind and you’ve got a list of things you want to remember

  like what?

  like anything like this list I’ve got here this exercise

  crocodile pincushion

  and you go round the house in your mind you go round and you put something in each room

  can’t quite remember all the rooms because

  can’t remember the rooms?

  in my aunt’s house I’ve never

  take where you live

  only be able to remember three things

  no you could go round the room and put one on the table and one on the chair

  oh I see

  but you’ll have to remember what order

  what order I’m going round the room

  is that all right?

  yes I could do that.

  So I’ve got my house when I was a child in my mind and I’m going to go round it now and put a crocodile on the doorstep

  a crocodile on the table

  a pincushion just inside on the mat

  pincushion on the chair

  pair of scissors in the sittingroom on the sofa

  pair of scissors on the other chair

  axe in the diningroom on the table

  axe on the other chair

  wristwatch

  wristwatch

  could you just in your head do you mind I can’t

  I’m not bothered by hearing yours

  keep seeing your room in my

  because I don’t know where you lived as a child so it doesn’t

  so I can still say

  yes if it helps and I’ll just

  thank you ok so wristwatch in the kitchen on the cooker elephant on the stairs poundcoin in the bathroom biro on their bed hedgehog on my bed tree in the attic

  tree

  makes ten. So now we go round

  pick them up

  on the doorstep crocodile

  crocodile pincushion

  pincushion yes scissors in the sittingroom

  scissors wristwatch

  no not yet

  oh it’s on the other

  sh

  so it’s

  axe

  axe axe wristwatch

  wristwatch

  elephant

  poundcoin

  now where did I put?

  oh

  what?

  bedroom

  on top of the cd player

  no in the bedroom I suddenly

  biro

  yes of course biro but I suddenly

  what

  saw my father

  in his bedroom

  my father getting dressed

  he’s not he wasn’t

  no it’s nothing

  nothing awful happened you’re not remembering

  no nothing like that at all I just suddenly saw him and

  so when did you last

  no it’s just that he’s dead and I don’t

  of course years ago I’d forgotten I’m

  no it’s nothing it’s just he was there in the bedroom

  and that’s a memory is it

  yes I suppose it is of course it’s a memory from

  from when you were little

  yes because he’s very I’m only half his size so

  so is this like a new

  yes a new memory and I’m seeing

  you can see with your eyes when you were

  say maybe four and the sunlight

  sunlight

  yes because it’s sunny in the room shining in behind him and on

  the floor on my feet

  you can see your feet

  I can see my feet when I was four

  which isn’t a memory you’ve always

  no I’ve never

  and you’re sure it’s not some horrible

  some repressed no it’s not it’s just a memory isn’t it

  so the room faced east

  yes it’s morning in the room and I just saw it

  some sort of crossed wire.

  Because of course it’s biro

  biro

  hedgehog

  I’ve lost the hedgehog wait oh it’s in the microwave I don’t know where I went next oh I know on the pile of old newspapers it’s a tree

  tree in the attic.

  So could we say the list straight off

  I’m sure we could

  and then do another list

  lots of lists

  and how do we keep the lists separate

  I’m not sure yet I’ve got to

  because I’ll keep getting the hedgehog in the microwave

  wait a minute I’ll find out

  find out what to do next.

  DINNER

  I did tell you

  you didn’t

  I did I said Wednesday we’re going to dinner with

  but you didn’t

  yes because I remember because you said

  all right I must have forgotten I’m sorry

  yes you did

  I’m sorry.

  PIANO

  Three people.

  This is Jennifer.

  Hello, Jennifer.

  Here’s the piano. You can play the piano.

  I’ve never played the piano.

  You sit here.

  He sits. He plays well and JENNIFER sings. He gets up.

  Hello.

  This is Jennifer.

  Hello, Jennifer.

  FLASHBACK

  Breathe

  ah ah ah

  just breathe

  ah ah

  I’ve got you, it’s all right

  ah

  all right.

  Thank you. Sorry. I keep seeing… I can see… I can’t stop seeing…

  I wish I could stop it for you.

  Short of smashing in my skull.

  They say time, you may be able to forget, even if it’s a long time.

  Once it’s in there. Once you know that stuff.

  5

  LINGUIST

  How many languages do you know?

  To speak fluently

  or a bit

  well of course some languages I only know a few words, while others

  take something like a table, take a table, how many languages

  can you

  table table trapezi stol mesa meza tarang tabulka

 
; That’s so fantastic. Tabulka. Meza. They all mean table.

  They all mean the same thing as each other.

  Table.

  Table means the same thing.

  Yes, they all mean table.

  Or they all mean meza.

  Oh if you mean Chinese.

  Or in fact Swahili.

  I can’t help feeling it actually is a table.

  MATHS

  I don’t want to spend an evening with them again.

  You like them. You like her.

  He will keep making his point about mathematics not corresponding to reality because it’s just a system our brains developed as we evolved in the world and we’ve had that argument.

  Whereas maths is really true.

  Yes.

  Which is why if an equation wouldn’t work without there being an infinite number of universes there really must be an infinite number of universes.

  That sort of thing.

  But we do only have our senses, don’t we, to perceive with and maybe there’s all sorts of other things we haven’t evolved to perceive. Like an earthworm can’t know about flying or a bird can’t know about computers.

  Don’t let’s have this conversation.

  Why not go and see them and keep off the topic? We can argue about politics.

  Because he won’t keep off the topic, he likes trying to make me angry because he fancies you. And nobody understands what we’re talking about and the evening’s ruined and we all get drunk and I feel like shit in the morning and can’t work.

  Are you saying you never want to see them again?

  He says maths is just consistent with itself. He keeps saying it doesn’t mean anything.

  What does it mean then?

  All right, we’ll go and see them.

  She fancies you.

  SEX

  What sex evolved to do is get information from two sets of genes so you get offspring that’s not identical to you. Otherwise you just keep getting the same thing over and over again like hydra or starfish. So sex essentially is information.

  You don’t think that while we’re doing it do you?

  It doesn’t hurt to know it. Information and also love.

  If you’re lucky.

  GOD

  God gives your life meaning. You’ve said that.

  Yes, so?

  If there wasn’t God there’d be no meaning to your existence?

  And?

  So does God have a higher god to give his existence meaning? and that god a higher god and that god

  no of course not

  of course not, so all this stuff he’s done, he might find it all a bit meaningless. I’m surprised he’s not depressed.

  I don’t think he minds whether he means anything or not. I don’t think he thinks about it.

  So why do you think about it?

  I’m not God am I?

  But I don’t mind not meaning anything, does that make me God?

  It makes you really annoying.

  RASH

  It’s just a rash.

  But why, why a rash?

  There’s all kinds of like detergents and animals and stuff in the air. Shall we have him tested?

  He’s trying to tell us something.

  Oh come on.

  Or he’s trying not to tell us something.

  Did you get the new cream?

  CHILDREN

  You can’t have children?

  No.

  You can’t have children?

  No.

  How did you find that out?

  When I was married, it came up, we had tests and it was me.

  So was that why?

  No of course not.

  I thought it was because she went off with the Spaniard.

  She did

  and she’s got a baby now hasn’t she, she and the Spaniard have got a bambino.

  So it makes a difference does it?

  SHRINK

  It used to just be pain

  the memories of what happened to you when you were a child and

  and the things I wasn’t letting myself remember of course

  the things you’d

  yes and now

  so the analysis has stopped it hurting

  not so much stopped

  as what?

  changed it into

  changed it into?

  transformed it

  into what though?

  It has meaning.

  Because you see where it comes from?

  partly that

  and how it’s affected the way you are?

  partly that

  and partly what?

  It just has meaning now.

  What does it mean?

  It doesn’t mean something. There isn’t exactly another thing that it means.

  Then what do you mean when you say it has meaning now?

  You spoil it. You completely spoil everything. You always do.

  That must be painful for you. You can take it to your analyst and have it turned into meaning.

  6

  THE CHILD WHO DIDN’T KNOW SORRY

  You have to say you’re sorry.

  I’m not sorry.

  But you know you hurt him. You have to say you’re sorry.

  I don’t feel sorry.

  You have to say it.

  CLIMATE

  I’m frightened.

  Just walk instead of driving and don’t take so many hot baths.

  I’m frightened for the children.

  There were those emails those scientists, I can’t remember the detail

  no it didn’t make any difference in the end

  no I think you’re right, most scientists all agree it’s a catastrophe. The question is how bad a catastrophe.

  It’s whether they drown or starve or get killed in the fights for water.

  I’d choose drowning.

  Are you really not going to take it seriously?

  I don’t know how to.

  I don’t know how to.

  CENSOR

  Page forty-two.

  Page forty-two.

  The sentence beginning ‘On the 21st of May…’

  Yes, I’ve got it.

  I’m afraid that’s going to have to go.

  Why is that?

  The Ministry of Defence considers it a breach of security.

  It’s not classified information.

  That is nevertheless their view.

  Have you got a lot of these?

  About thirty.

  Let’s hear the next one then.

  WIFE

  But I am your wife.

  You look like my wife.

  That’s because I am. Look, even that little birthmark behind my ear. Look.

  Yes, I see it.

  It’s me. Darling sweet, it’s me. I’m here.

  No, she’s gone. They’ve all gone.

  Who’s gone?

  Everyone I know. Everyone who loved me.

  No, I love you.

  I don’t want you to love me, I don’t know you.

  There’s things only we know, aren’t there. That day on the beach with the shells. You remember that?

  Yes, of course.

  And cabbages. Why is cabbages a funny word, we’re the only ones who have cabbages as a joke because of what happened with the cabbages. Cabbages is a joke, yes?

  Cabbages was a joke I shared with my wife. I miss my wife.

  But I am…Let me touch you. If you’d see what it feels like to touch me. If we made love you’d know it was me because there are things we like to do and no one else would know that, if I was a stranger pretending to be her I wouldn’t know those things, you’d feel you were back with me, you would I know, please.

  You disgust me. You frighten me. What are you?

  DECISION

  I’ve written down all the reasons to leave the country and all the reasons to stay.

  So how does that work out?

  There’s things on both sides.
<
br />   How do you feel about it?

  No, I’m trying to make a rational decision based on the facts.

  Do you want me to decide for you?

  Based on what? The facts don’t add up.

  I’d rather you stayed here. Does that help?

  THE CHILD WHO DIDN’T KNOW PAIN

  But what is it?

  Pain is pain, it’s just

  if I pinch

  aah, get off. But if I pinch you

  nothing

  nothing at all

  but stop because I get bruises.

  How come you don’t

  I never did when I was a baby

  you were born like

  yes and I used to chew my fingers

  you mean chew?

  and they got bandages put over or I’d chew them to the bone because you know how babies

  put everything in their mouth

  I’d put myself in my mouth because it wasn’t any different.

  And if you fell down

  I threw myself down

  because it didn’t hurt

  jumped down a whole flight of stairs because that was a quick way

  and you were all right

  broke both my legs and once when I went swimming there were rocks under the water and when I came out my legs were pouring blood because I hadn’t felt

  so you can’t feel anything

  emotions I feel feelings

  but physical

  not pain, no.

  And why not?

  because there’s no signal going up to my brain

  from your legs

  from anywhere to my brain to say there’s damage, it’s hurting

  so you never know what hurting is

  so tell me what it’s like.

  Hurting is well it’s pain, it’s like uncomfortable but more, it’s something you’d want to move away from but you can’t, it’s an intense sensation, it’s hard to ignore it, it’s very

  but why would you mind that?

  because it hurts. But no, sometimes pain’s all right if it’s not bad like if your gum’s sore and you keep poking it with your tongue or you might cut your finger and you hardly notice, yes if you’re doing something exciting, soldiers can lose a leg and not even know it

  that’s like me

  yes but they know it afterwards. And bad pain

  yes but why, what is it?

  if someone’s tortured if they give them electric shocks it’s unbearable or if they’ve got cancer sometimes they want to die because my uncle

  yes but I still don’t know what it is about pain

  it’s just pain

  but what is it?

  You’ve been unhappy?

  yes

  if someone you love doesn’t love you, you thought they loved you and they don’t

  yes

  or you’ve done something you wish you hadn’t done it’s too late now and you’ve hurt someone and there’s nothing you can do to put it right